I Try Not To Feel Sorry For Myself

Really. There are some days though that I find myself searching for the answer to why me? I'm not strong enough to get through this. What sort of test is this? What did I do to deserve this? I'm only 30 years old and have a whole life ahead of me. Why now? Why right at the point that I want to travel and see new places? I try not to think about all the things I can't do and probably won't be able to do again. That trip to Disney World is out of the question. Rides? I don't think so. Swimming? I certainly wouldn't be able to go underwater. I have always been afraid of water but I still love to swim and as long as I'm in control of the situation I can accomplish that. But now? I'm not in control anymore. I had always had anxiety underwater anyway with my eyes closed. When my eyes are closed and I try to walk, I bump into walls. I can't quite seem to get this balance thing down in the dark and that is when I'm on two feet. What about flying? I think I would be too stressed out thinking about what it would be like dizzy that I wouldn't be able to do it at all. What about going on a boat? I love the ocean. We went sea kayaking for the first time last summer and found that it was something my fiance and I both loved. Now? Bobbing up and down on waves? Makes me feel sick just thinking about it like the man that was on the trip with us who got sick in the ocean. What about floating around in the ocean on a raft each summer? Don't think so. Will I be able to dance at my wedding? Dancing makes me feel dizzy. If I stay up past 10pm I start to get dizzy, so will I be able to enjoy all of my wedding? These are just some of the things that travel through my brain every once in a while. It is counter-productive, I know. When these thoughts start flowing though I begin to feel depressed. On those days I should get out and do something that I actually CAN do. Like go for a walk (sometimes that is difficult). I have bad days and good days...never great days and those are the days I'm waiting for with patience. Patience is an important thing to have when living with Labyrinthitis, Anxiety, and Panic.