A couple tough days, A couple good days

That's the thing with Labyrinthitis, anxiety, and panic. Some days are great and some days are just really bad. This past week was really tough for me. I felt like I could barely get through a day of work, nevermind a week. I was feeling really depressed and the cold, rainy weather didn't help the situation. On Wednesday I found out that I made a mistake with someone's account (the 2nd one with the same customer, new system) and I really beat myself up about it all day. I am very aware now of how much I beat myself up about mistakes I make. I thought about that mistake for 2 whole days and told myself numerous times how stupid I was. I've done this most of my life and really taking a second look at how I treat myself. Really, doesn't everyone make mistakes? I just like to think I am the only person on this earth that never will and when I do there must be something wrong with me. I went to therapy on Thursday which was a great release for me. I really needed it this week. As the wedding nears, I think more about the people who were such a big part of my life that won't be there to see it happen. I know that I hold them close to my heart, but really I want them there to see me accomplish things in my life. I know that can't happen and so I need to find a way to move on from that. Friday was a bad day at work...I was so tired this past week. I have been losing my hearing for years now. I finally went and had a hearing test because it was to the point where I was avoiding people because I knew I wouldn't be able to hear them. Thanks to a fabulous social worker that I got in contact with, I will have hearing aids in August. I think that will take much of my stress and tiredness away. I work hard all day trying to hear people talk. I also miss out on so much and I know it holds me back. I am looking forward to the day when I don't have to ask "what?" "what?" "what?"
Today I wanted to leave the house to get something to eat but that just wasn't going to work for me so my mom walked with me and that was a relief. I did walk to acupuncture on my own but that wasn't far. The treatment was great! It is always so relaxing and it is my zen.

An Adventurous Day!

Today I felt like nothing could stop me! A new employee started in our department today and hearing him get closer and closer to me as he was being introduced to each person made me have some pretty bad anxiety BUT it never turned into an attack and he seems to be a very nice person. I also received my grades today for this past semester and in the two classes I took, I got As! I'm not sure how that happened amongst the anxiety and panic. It was a really tough semester for me but I managed to get through it and that makes me feel great. I went to acupuncture tonight. It is just amazing for the stress and pains. I decided that I felt really great that I would not only walk over to my treatment myself, but I also took a trip to the ATM. This has been a place that panic has set in time and time again. But not today! I did have anxiety but it never turned into an attack. I was feeling so good at this point that I decided that I could cross the 4 way intersection which I dread each time I step up to it when I'm with someone never mind alone. I did it. I did it and I did NOT panic. I was anxious yes, but panic? no! I am so proud of myself right now. Yes these things are difficult but I can do it and come out alive. That is what I need to keep telling myself. I will not die. I will be just fine! It may be uncomfortable and scary but nothing is going to stop me. Today anyway :)

Anxiety, A Way Of Life?

I went to a couple stores today with my fiance. I always hold on tight to his arm but sometimes when I am feeling brave I tell him that I will walk alone with no support. I know that these trips have been getting easier. Yes I always need to be with someone but I have been doing it. So why is it that I started getting bad anxiety this morning and it is lasting into the evening? Well part because we went to stores and part because it is back to work tomorrow. Sundays are the worst days for me. I know that it is the start of the work week and I know that means countless hours within my cubicle walls thinking about my problems. I try not to, but sometimes it is so quiet in the department you can hear a pin drop and those are the times that my mind can wander easily. I also worry about how I will feel all week. Will I feel as though I will pass out? Will I feel stressed? Will I be tired? Will I be more hungry than normal? I have always been a worrier. Always. When I was child I worried. I have a parent that is a worrier. I worry about everything. I worry about being late in the morning and I haven't even gone to bed yet the night before. I worry about what time I'll eat lunch or if I'll be dizzy that day. I worry that someone I love will leave the house and never come home. I worry that I am wasting my life away when I have lazy days. I worry about my retirement. I worry about how I will react when my dog passes away. I worry about how often we'll be able to stop on a trip. I worry about everything. I also make up catastrophic situations in my mind and then everyone ends up coming home in one piece and it was all just this craziness that I created. So you can see why I have anxiety. Although my worrying never turned into anxiety attacks until I was struck with Labyrinthitis. And so I wonder, is every Sunday going to bring me a day of anxiety? Will every week be the same? I certainly hope not. Anxiety and all I tried the twisty slide at the playground on our walk by today. Not exactly the best idea but I thought I'd challenge myself. I'm not sure that is the sort of challenge I'm going for. All I ended up with was a queasy stomach and a dizzy head.

I Try Not To Feel Sorry For Myself

Really. There are some days though that I find myself searching for the answer to why me? I'm not strong enough to get through this. What sort of test is this? What did I do to deserve this? I'm only 30 years old and have a whole life ahead of me. Why now? Why right at the point that I want to travel and see new places? I try not to think about all the things I can't do and probably won't be able to do again. That trip to Disney World is out of the question. Rides? I don't think so. Swimming? I certainly wouldn't be able to go underwater. I have always been afraid of water but I still love to swim and as long as I'm in control of the situation I can accomplish that. But now? I'm not in control anymore. I had always had anxiety underwater anyway with my eyes closed. When my eyes are closed and I try to walk, I bump into walls. I can't quite seem to get this balance thing down in the dark and that is when I'm on two feet. What about flying? I think I would be too stressed out thinking about what it would be like dizzy that I wouldn't be able to do it at all. What about going on a boat? I love the ocean. We went sea kayaking for the first time last summer and found that it was something my fiance and I both loved. Now? Bobbing up and down on waves? Makes me feel sick just thinking about it like the man that was on the trip with us who got sick in the ocean. What about floating around in the ocean on a raft each summer? Don't think so. Will I be able to dance at my wedding? Dancing makes me feel dizzy. If I stay up past 10pm I start to get dizzy, so will I be able to enjoy all of my wedding? These are just some of the things that travel through my brain every once in a while. It is counter-productive, I know. When these thoughts start flowing though I begin to feel depressed. On those days I should get out and do something that I actually CAN do. Like go for a walk (sometimes that is difficult). I have bad days and good days...never great days and those are the days I'm waiting for with patience. Patience is an important thing to have when living with Labyrinthitis, Anxiety, and Panic.

Am I Going Crazy?

I was convinced I was. Going crazy. I had no idea what was happening to my body. Everyday was a struggle with a racing heart, tingly skin, not being able to feel my arms or legs, feeling as though I was floating, or not feeling anything at all. Work was a battle. I would go in and leave or not go in at all. It was torture sitting there in my cubicle for hours on end thinking about everything that I was feeling. My appetite went through the roof. I was eating us into the poor house. I went to see the doctor a couple times where you never get any answers. They listened to all my symptoms and took blood which is a horrible experience for me because of my huge fear of doctors with needles. Everything kept coming back normal. But I knew I wasn't feeling normal so what could be wrong with me? I would cry uncontrollably at work and at home, crying myself to sleep most nights. I stopped driving and going anywhere because small everyday things that never bothered me before now became the most terrifying thing I could possibly face. I knew I had stress in my life but never thought that had anything to do with how I was feeling. I had been dealing with the Labyrinthitis since November (It was now the beginning of February 09), had been watching my dad fight cancer, and had my wedding coming up in October 09. At this point I was so frustrated with doctors, I gave up going to see them. They tell you everything is normal and never explore anything else. My mother was the one who told me to look up anxiety. I did. It was me! This was everything I was going through! Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and it had now become Agoraphobia. At this point I went back to the doctor to tell her what was wrong with me. (Yes I told her what was wrong with me) She prescribed Paxil for the anxiety. I think they are quick to prescribe drugs and they don't even think about the effect it might have. I am a tiny person and I felt as though I was on speed. Not exactly a good thing for someone who is experiencing anxiety! It made it 100 times worse. My mind was racing. Also, through reading, I have discovered that you should not take anti-depressants with Labyrinthitis because it actually slows down your progress. So much for doctors. I have given up on them. I stopped taking Paxil after the first pill. If you have never experienced an anxiety or panic attack, it is truly frightening. Anxiety is a beast in it's own right. It will be so intense that it will last days at a time. The adrenaline races through me and my face and body feel as though I am being stabbed with pins. It is hard to concentrate or remember things. I often feel as though I am going to pass out which causes more anxiety. Usually at the end of these "high anxiety" periods I am struck with a panic attack which feels as though I am going to die. I feel as though I have stopped breathing yet my heart feels like it is beating out of my chest. Last week was the first time I actually thought about calling 911 because this time definitely felt like death was on my doorstep. I called my parents instead. Over the next half hour I calmed enough to breathe normally and relax some. After the panic attack physically I feel drained but the anxiety is usually gone. I have avoided places that I have had panic, especially the ATM and a 4 way intersection in town.

I am currently in therapy which I highly recommend when you are first diagnosed with Labyrinthitis. I waited too long because I was unsure at what was happening. I also have acupuncture once a week. This works great for relaxation and the stress on my body from the anxiety. I always thought anxiety was a ridiculous thing that people exaggerated. We all have anxiety but could it really prevent you from doing things? I have found out that it can. It is as if the world is caving in on you and there is no way out. I feel as though I am constantly fighting myself. I also started to feel extremely isolated. The dizziness made me feel isolated because people didn't seem to understand what I was going through but also because the world looks different. Everything you have come to know looks completely different. It also feels different. Your balance makes the ground feel unsteady. The anxiety and panic really isolated me. I really felt as though I had become a prisoner in my own home. At this point I still don't drive although I have tried twice in the last 2 weeks with my fiance in the car. I'm not even close to ready to drive on my own. Restaurants, grocery stores, and retail stores are difficult for me. I do not go alone as of yet. At this point I don't even walk around the block alone. Little by little I am making progress. The anxiety comes about once a week rather than every day. The panic happens less often but of course part of the reason is because I have avoided things. I did go in a store on my own the other day after I got out of therapy. I had high anxiety the entire time but I did it. It is important to tell yourself you did a good job after you made it through. Even if it wasn't perfect. I have found that has really helped me. Encourage yourself. In the posts to come I will update you on my progress through therapy, acupuncture, and exposure to the world around me.

What Is Labyrinthitis?

Labyrinthitis is a balance disorder. It is an inflammatory process affecting the labyrinths that house the vestibular system (which sense changes in head position) of the inner ear.
In addition to balance control problems, a labyrinthitis patient may encounter hearing loss and tinnitus. Labyrinthitis is usually caused by a virus, but it can also arise from bacterial infection, head injury, extreme stress, an allergy or as a reaction to a particular medicine. Both bacterial and viral labyrinthitis can cause permanent hearing loss, although this is rare.
Labyrinthitis often follows an upper respiratory tract infection (URI).
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[edit] Labyrinthitis
A prominent and debilitating symptom of labyrinthitis is acute vertigo. The vestibular system is a set of sensory inputs consisting of three semicircular canals, sensing changes in rotational motion, and the otoliths, sensing changes in linear motion. The brain combines visual cues with sensory input from the vestibular system to determine adjustments required to retain balance. When working properly, the vestibular system also relays information on head movement to the eye muscle, forming the vestibulo-ocular reflex, in order to retain continuous visual focus during motion. When the vestibular system is affected by labyrinthitis, rapid, undesired eye motion (nystagmus), often results from the improper indication of rotational motion. Nausea, anxiety, and a general ill feeling are common due to the distorted balance signals that the brain receives from the inner ear.
This can also be brought on by pressure changes such as those experienced while flying or scuba diving.[1][2][3]

[edit] Recovery
Recovery from acute labyrinthine inflammation generally takes from one to six weeks; however, it is not uncommon for residual symptoms (dysequilibrium and/or dizziness) to last for many months or even years[4] if permanent damage occurs.
Recovery from a permanently damaged inner ear typically follows three phases:
An acute period, which may include severe vertigo and vomiting
approximately two weeks of subacute symptoms and rapid recovery
finally a period of chronic compensation which may last for months or years.

[edit] Labyrinthitis and anxiety
Chronic anxiety is a common side effect of labyrinthitis which can produce tremors, heart palpitations, panic attacks, derealization and depression. Often a panic attack is one of the first symptoms to occur as labyrinthitis begins. While dizziness can occur from extreme anxiety, labyrinthitis itself can precipitate a panic disorder. Three models have been proposed to explain the relationship between vestibular dysfunction and panic disorder:[5]
Psychosomatic model: vestibular dysfunction which occurs as a result of anxiety.
Somatopsychic model: panic disorder triggered by misinterpreted internal stimuli (e.g., stimuli from vestibular dysfunction), that are interpreted as signifying imminent physical danger. Heightened sensitivity to vestibular sensations leads to increased anxiety and, through conditioning, drives the development of panic disorder.
Network alarm theory: panic which involves noradrenergic, serotonergic, and other connected neuronal systems. According to this theory, panic can be triggered by stimuli that set off a false alarm via afferents to the locus ceruleus, which then triggers the neuronal network. This network is thought to mediate anxiety and includes limbic, midbrain and prefrontal areas. Vestibular dysfunction in the setting of increased locus ceruleus sensitivity may be a potential trigger.

[edit] Treatment
Prochlorperazine is commonly prescribed to help alleviate the symptoms of vertigo and nausea.
Because anxiety interferes with the balance compensation process, it is important to treat an anxiety disorder and/or depression as soon as possible to allow the brain to compensate for any vestibular damage. Acute anxiety can be treated in the short term with benzodiazepines such as diazepam (Valium); however, long-term use is not recommended because of the addictive nature of benzodiazepines and the interference they may cause with vestibular compensation and adaptive plasticity [6].
Evidence suggests that selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors may be more effective in treating labyrinthitis. They act by relieving anxiety symptoms and may stimulate new neural growth within the inner ear,[citation needed] allowing more rapid vestibular compensation to occur. Trials have shown that SSRIs do in fact affect the vestibular system in a direct manner and can increase dizziness[7].
Some evidence suggests that viral labyrinthitis should be treated in its early stages with corticosteroids such as prednisone, and possibly antiviral medication such as valacyclovir and that this treatment should be undertaken as soon as possible to prevent permanent damage to the inner ear.[citation needed]
Vestibular rehabilitation therapy (VRT) is a highly effective way to substantially reduce or eliminate residual dizziness from labyrinthitis. VRT works by causing the brain to use already existing neural mechanisms for adaptation, plasticity, and compensation. The direction, duration, frequency, and magnitude of the directed exercises are closely correlated with adaptation and recovery. Symmetry is more rapidly restored when VRT exercises are specifically tailored for the patient.
One study found that patients who believed their illness was out of their control showed the slowest progression to full recovery, long after the initial vestibular injury had healed.[4] The study revealed that the patient who compensated well was one who, at the psychological level, was not afraid of the symptoms and had some positive control over them. Notably, a reduction in negative beliefs over time was greater in those patients treated with rehabilitation than in those untreated. "Of utmost importance, baseline beliefs were the only significant predictor of change in handicap at 6 months followup."

How It All Started

This was the day after Thanksgiving, so with my belly still stuffed, I went to work that day. Work was quiet and I was the only one of the Assistants working that day. This day was slightly different because it was the day before we were due to leave for Walt Disney World! My fiance and I had saved for months for a special trip. I normally don't get excited before a trip because I am always afraid that something will happen like I will end up with a cold, or the plane will crash, or we'll come home with special bugs in our suitcases from various places that people travel from. You name it, I'm always thinking it will happen. So I try to pretend like nothing is happening until I get to the destination and I am settled in. That day I went to lunch with a new found friend. We blabbed about Disney through lunch and everything seemed to be completely normal. I felt fine that day. After we had finished our food, it struck. As we were waiting for the waitress to take our payment, the room began to spin. And when I say spin, I mean spin. I remember people looking at me and their faces being distorted. I told my friend what was happening and said maybe I need to get to the bathroom because I feel sick. She helped me there and I sat on the floor waiting for the inevitable to happen. It did not but the room was still moving up and down. She helped me to the door because I thought maybe I just needed some fresh air. As soon as I reached the bottom of the stairs outside I was sick. I sat there on the curb scared! My friend did not want to leave me so I called my fiance to come pick me up. He did within 10 minutes. I went back to work and called the doctor. They said that they were not accepting patients that day unless it was an emergency. I told her my symptoms and she said it was probably just an episode and I should go home and rest and she told me to have a great trip. It never ended. Then followed the most miserable 2 weeks of my life. We cancelled our trip, thinking we would go another time. I could not move. If I walked 5 steps I would get sick. I laid on the couch and stayed out of work for 2 weeks following the initial episode. I went to the doctor on Monday in a wheelchair, gripping a trashcan in case of illness. Everyone was looking at me in the office and I kept telling my dad to turn me slowly. The doctor thought I may have ear stones (BPPV) so I went home and came back an hour and a half later to see a physical therapist where she turned my head all about trying to move these "ear stones" that did not exist. This made me feel horrible and I couldn't wait for it to be over. I was told to sleep at a 45 degree angle which is NOT comfortable so for 2 nights I didn't sleep. None of this helped. Finally I went to see an ENT which I recommend from the beginning. He said he did not believe it is BPPV because there was no change with the movements of the head and because of the way it came on. He told me to move as much as possible. I seemed to think that this was something that was going to go away. Boy was I wrong. I went back to work 2 weeks after this all started. I walked as though I had just drank 2 pitchers of beer and was quite sick of slamming into walls and walking as though I was an 80 year old deteriorated woman. In the months of December and the beginning of January things were looking up. I was able to drive again in January. I went to the college to get my books for the Spring 2009 semester (this happened at the end of the semester in 2008) and I was going to the grocery store on my own. Great! Well for that time anyway. Then, I got a bad cold at the end of January and the dizziness began again. Something else started in January with the dreaded cold. Anxiety. Panic. I will talk more about the Anxiety and Panic in a separate post. They are a whole different evil that will invade my body and the next months will be some of the hardest months of my life.

Me, Blogging?

Well here I am. I never thought I would have anything to blog about and then I was struck with this darn Labyrinthitis and here I am! I thought that this would be helpful not only for me, but for many of you out there that don't know what is happening to you. I wish I had more information when I was first diagnosed with this and have learned so much from reading people's posts on websites and living through it myself. I really just want people to know that someone else is going through the same thing as you and there is support out here in the world of dizziness. And so welcome to the beginning of me keeping track of my progress and hopefully helping others along the way. This is something that I never imagined happening and something I had never heard of before I was stricken with it. I do believe though that this is something I will get through (some days are harder than others) and I will come out of it stronger and more aware of life. So I hope you will join me on my journey and learn along with me! We will get through this and succeed in our lives!