Am I Going Crazy?

I was convinced I was. Going crazy. I had no idea what was happening to my body. Everyday was a struggle with a racing heart, tingly skin, not being able to feel my arms or legs, feeling as though I was floating, or not feeling anything at all. Work was a battle. I would go in and leave or not go in at all. It was torture sitting there in my cubicle for hours on end thinking about everything that I was feeling. My appetite went through the roof. I was eating us into the poor house. I went to see the doctor a couple times where you never get any answers. They listened to all my symptoms and took blood which is a horrible experience for me because of my huge fear of doctors with needles. Everything kept coming back normal. But I knew I wasn't feeling normal so what could be wrong with me? I would cry uncontrollably at work and at home, crying myself to sleep most nights. I stopped driving and going anywhere because small everyday things that never bothered me before now became the most terrifying thing I could possibly face. I knew I had stress in my life but never thought that had anything to do with how I was feeling. I had been dealing with the Labyrinthitis since November (It was now the beginning of February 09), had been watching my dad fight cancer, and had my wedding coming up in October 09. At this point I was so frustrated with doctors, I gave up going to see them. They tell you everything is normal and never explore anything else. My mother was the one who told me to look up anxiety. I did. It was me! This was everything I was going through! Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and it had now become Agoraphobia. At this point I went back to the doctor to tell her what was wrong with me. (Yes I told her what was wrong with me) She prescribed Paxil for the anxiety. I think they are quick to prescribe drugs and they don't even think about the effect it might have. I am a tiny person and I felt as though I was on speed. Not exactly a good thing for someone who is experiencing anxiety! It made it 100 times worse. My mind was racing. Also, through reading, I have discovered that you should not take anti-depressants with Labyrinthitis because it actually slows down your progress. So much for doctors. I have given up on them. I stopped taking Paxil after the first pill. If you have never experienced an anxiety or panic attack, it is truly frightening. Anxiety is a beast in it's own right. It will be so intense that it will last days at a time. The adrenaline races through me and my face and body feel as though I am being stabbed with pins. It is hard to concentrate or remember things. I often feel as though I am going to pass out which causes more anxiety. Usually at the end of these "high anxiety" periods I am struck with a panic attack which feels as though I am going to die. I feel as though I have stopped breathing yet my heart feels like it is beating out of my chest. Last week was the first time I actually thought about calling 911 because this time definitely felt like death was on my doorstep. I called my parents instead. Over the next half hour I calmed enough to breathe normally and relax some. After the panic attack physically I feel drained but the anxiety is usually gone. I have avoided places that I have had panic, especially the ATM and a 4 way intersection in town.

I am currently in therapy which I highly recommend when you are first diagnosed with Labyrinthitis. I waited too long because I was unsure at what was happening. I also have acupuncture once a week. This works great for relaxation and the stress on my body from the anxiety. I always thought anxiety was a ridiculous thing that people exaggerated. We all have anxiety but could it really prevent you from doing things? I have found out that it can. It is as if the world is caving in on you and there is no way out. I feel as though I am constantly fighting myself. I also started to feel extremely isolated. The dizziness made me feel isolated because people didn't seem to understand what I was going through but also because the world looks different. Everything you have come to know looks completely different. It also feels different. Your balance makes the ground feel unsteady. The anxiety and panic really isolated me. I really felt as though I had become a prisoner in my own home. At this point I still don't drive although I have tried twice in the last 2 weeks with my fiance in the car. I'm not even close to ready to drive on my own. Restaurants, grocery stores, and retail stores are difficult for me. I do not go alone as of yet. At this point I don't even walk around the block alone. Little by little I am making progress. The anxiety comes about once a week rather than every day. The panic happens less often but of course part of the reason is because I have avoided things. I did go in a store on my own the other day after I got out of therapy. I had high anxiety the entire time but I did it. It is important to tell yourself you did a good job after you made it through. Even if it wasn't perfect. I have found that has really helped me. Encourage yourself. In the posts to come I will update you on my progress through therapy, acupuncture, and exposure to the world around me.