People Are Full of Suprises

I don't want to be one of those people who has no faith in the human race but sometimes my faith goes into the red zone, almost on empty. I hold tightly my group of friends who I have known for years and hold closely to my heart. I am always afraid to let new people in and for good reason. Sometimes it takes so long for the real person to come out and it feels like you went through so much learning about someone before that happens. It is never a waste of time. I always learn and come out of it more knowledgeable about life, but sometimes with a burn mark left behind and that can hurt for some time.

Making My Way in the World Today....Takes everything I've Got!

I feel like I have experienced another set back. I had a major panic attack last week. I have to focus on the face that that I had it, it was scary, but I got through it and I'm alive! I have also felt myself have much anger over the past week. Maybe towards myself or the situation I am in. I often think about going outside and taking a short walk down the street but I have no drive to induce my anxiety. My therapist would say how do I know that I'll have anxiety. I convince myself that I will. Crazy isn't it? I don't want to go out because I'm nervous that I'll have anxiety/panic but I sit here and give myself anxiety and panic thinking about it so really I should just go outside! I should get up right now and get outside and take a walk... It won't be far... just a few steps really...but oh the sun would feel so good on my face. How I miss that feeling. The air is cool this morning and in my mind my head turns towards it just thinking of how great that would feel against my skin. Of course now I have anxiety thinking about it also. I have a worksheet to fill out for the next two weeks. I need to rate my anxiety while I'm thinking bad thoughts (like if I go out on my own, I will pass out and no one will help me) then I need to write down the alternative... like (if I go out on my own, I might have some anxiety but I will be fine) or (I have not passed out during the last year that I have had anxiety, I wouldn't now either) then I should rate my anxiety after I tell myself what the alternatives . So today is the day maybe? The day I will venture out on my own? Maybe.

A Great Day!

Wow... today I felt great. I really haven't felt this good in a long time. I can't even remember when I felt this good. I had almost no dizziness today (a miracle) and I had some great energy. I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday and I've been taking herbal pills daily. I am hoping they work for my ridiculous hunger problem. I get so hungry that the cat starts to look tasty. I'm not kidding. All of this came on with the panic and anxiety. So, since I was feeling so good I did all my laundry... 5 loads! That's what I do when I feel good. Sweat over hot clothes from the dryer... what better way to spend such a great day?

Our Wedding

I thought I really should talk more about our wedding day. I sort of skipped over the important parts of one of the most important days in our lives. I thought it would be good to highlight the best things about that day instead of always focusing on the difficult parts of life. Something that was amazing to me was the amount of love in one room. The walls were just about busting at the seams with the love in that room... I think we have a great support system around us and they were all there that day... giving us their wishes for a happy life together. Another moment that I'd like to share is the moment that Matt and I actually tied the knot. Matt has supported me through all of this. He has leaped out of bed in the middle of the night (leaped, not really, dragged himself out of bed) to tend to my needs. He has held me up for the last year literally. He has talked me through the anxiety and he has really lived up to the expectations of a relationship. Always standing by one another in sickness and in health. I am so blessed. My dad made an awesome speech that had people talking for days. I also got to do some dancing that night... not much... the dizziness and dancing doesn't really go hand in hand but I got to do some... something I love to do with people who I love to be with. There were many positives of the evening. Positive... there's a word that has slipped from my vocabulary... maybe one that I should write 100 times over and over on the blackboard as punishment for forgetting it.

I made it through the biggest challenge so far, yet I feel just the same

I have not written in some time. That is because I was involved in the craziness that is wedding planning. It is a whirlwind of activity, stress, and a "god I cannot wait until this is over" attitude. It was all a blurr really. I remember the day perfectly (it feels like I am remembering a movie I was watching) most of it was worrying about what I felt like. I did manage to have a good time in the end...really, I'm not lying. It was one of the most difficult days of my life but yet I got through it like a trooper. Although here I am feeling the same way. How could I work my way through a day where I was on display fighting with anxiety, panic, dizziness, weakness, and hunger infront of 100 people and I am still at a spot where I don't want to leave the house?
I am back to my normal schedule of seeing the therapist and acupuncturist every week. It is a release that is much needed.

I fight with hope. Hope wants to work its way in and I slam the door in hope's face. I want to scream, "Screw you Hope! You don't belong here!" but then I want to open the door, apologize, and never let it go again. I just can't seem to grasp it... It seems to slip through my hands every opportunity it gets. So, I just put in my Old Navy shopping cart tonight, a sweatshirt that reads hope down the sleeve. Maybe if I wear hope I will recognize that it needs to be a part of my life. Winter is coming and I'm thinking that this great sweatshirt will help me stay cozy and sane.

I really haven't had too much anxiety lately (comes and goes). Probably because I never leave the house except to go to work where I can sit in my cubicle all day and it is safe. This is probably why I am where I still am. Home, all the time. But what you have to understand is that to me, there is no reason to leave the house. The dizziness makes me so uncomfortable and makes life so unenjoyable that there doesn't seem to be any reason for me to leave. If I do leave I have to fight dizziness, anxiety, panic, and the feeling that I am on stage infront of the whole world. My boxing gloves just aren't that big. Plus, if I actually starting boxing anxiety in the street I'd probably be locked away. I often talk to myself as it is and that's probably very disturbing for most people. I have to tell it to knock it off... that I won't let it take over my life. That this dizziness won't take over my life. I tell it that but it doesn't listen to me. I feel like all of these feelings and thoughts I have are stronger than I am, yet most of these thoughts and feelings I create myself, except a select few. Yes, I am fighting myself.

Life is Easier by the Months

Each month seems to get better. I have had many set backs but I am trying to pull ahead. Therapy has been cut down to every other week (accomplishment? I think so!). In two weeks I will be getting my hearing aids which will change my life I'm sure. Today I went with a friend to a lake. This is HUGE for me. I have not gone anywhere without my mom or fiance since this all happened. I was fine! I only lasted about 3 hours. I don't do well in the heat anymore and I get tired easily but I did it and I am proud of that. I even tried swimming today! This was something I was terrified of because of things I had read online. It was just fine! I have been taking homeopathic meds also to help with my hunger problem due to anxiety. Many of my days are anxiety free now though! I know that I might step on some sufferers of Labs feet but I have to say that for the most part why we can't do things is because of anxiety. There are certainly things I can't do because of the Labs but driving is difficult because of the anxiety. I drove my car by myself the other day... A great stride? You better believe it! Of course my fiance was driving behind me but a month ago I wouldn't have done that at all. So little by little I will start to venture out... Life is different... I'm not sure if that will change... things look differently, feel differently, and are much more difficult then they were. But I have to come to terms with that and try to work with it the best that I can. I have an incredible support team around me. They hold me up when I feel as if I will fall. They are what makes me keep on pushing.

I Survived

Good Morning Everyone. The trip to Boston was successful. Much of it was a struggle but I did get through it and even managed to have fun in the process with only one small breakdown because of my hunger. I have discovered that hotels rooms on the 22nd floor are so fun but the elevator was one of the worst feelings I have felt since I've had Labyrinthitis. I had amazing people around me through the weekend which always helps bring you up. When going through Labyrinthitis it is extremely important to have a good support system around you. Those who are there to pick you up when you fall. There are days that I am so dizzy it is hard to walk on my own. My fiance or my mother or father are there to hold my hand. Everyone is pretty willing to drop what they are doing to take me to an appointment. I am getting there. One little step at a time. The anxiety has set me back so much and sometimes it is so frustrating knowing that I was almost there...I could smell a normal life without dizziness and it all turned around. I get angry about that but I try to just look to the future. Some days it is hard to think about the future. I don't want to be dizzy forever. Everyone seems to think that the hearing aids I am getting in August will change my life. I think that it will help. I'm looking forward to that moment and tear up thinking about not struggling to hear someone. It just adds to the struggle I face everyday with the dizziness. No wonder why I am so tired all the time.