People Are Full of Suprises

I don't want to be one of those people who has no faith in the human race but sometimes my faith goes into the red zone, almost on empty. I hold tightly my group of friends who I have known for years and hold closely to my heart. I am always afraid to let new people in and for good reason. Sometimes it takes so long for the real person to come out and it feels like you went through so much learning about someone before that happens. It is never a waste of time. I always learn and come out of it more knowledgeable about life, but sometimes with a burn mark left behind and that can hurt for some time.

Making My Way in the World Today....Takes everything I've Got!

I feel like I have experienced another set back. I had a major panic attack last week. I have to focus on the face that that I had it, it was scary, but I got through it and I'm alive! I have also felt myself have much anger over the past week. Maybe towards myself or the situation I am in. I often think about going outside and taking a short walk down the street but I have no drive to induce my anxiety. My therapist would say how do I know that I'll have anxiety. I convince myself that I will. Crazy isn't it? I don't want to go out because I'm nervous that I'll have anxiety/panic but I sit here and give myself anxiety and panic thinking about it so really I should just go outside! I should get up right now and get outside and take a walk... It won't be far... just a few steps really...but oh the sun would feel so good on my face. How I miss that feeling. The air is cool this morning and in my mind my head turns towards it just thinking of how great that would feel against my skin. Of course now I have anxiety thinking about it also. I have a worksheet to fill out for the next two weeks. I need to rate my anxiety while I'm thinking bad thoughts (like if I go out on my own, I will pass out and no one will help me) then I need to write down the alternative... like (if I go out on my own, I might have some anxiety but I will be fine) or (I have not passed out during the last year that I have had anxiety, I wouldn't now either) then I should rate my anxiety after I tell myself what the alternatives . So today is the day maybe? The day I will venture out on my own? Maybe.