A Great Day!

Wow... today I felt great. I really haven't felt this good in a long time. I can't even remember when I felt this good. I had almost no dizziness today (a miracle) and I had some great energy. I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday and I've been taking herbal pills daily. I am hoping they work for my ridiculous hunger problem. I get so hungry that the cat starts to look tasty. I'm not kidding. All of this came on with the panic and anxiety. So, since I was feeling so good I did all my laundry... 5 loads! That's what I do when I feel good. Sweat over hot clothes from the dryer... what better way to spend such a great day?

Our Wedding

I thought I really should talk more about our wedding day. I sort of skipped over the important parts of one of the most important days in our lives. I thought it would be good to highlight the best things about that day instead of always focusing on the difficult parts of life. Something that was amazing to me was the amount of love in one room. The walls were just about busting at the seams with the love in that room... I think we have a great support system around us and they were all there that day... giving us their wishes for a happy life together. Another moment that I'd like to share is the moment that Matt and I actually tied the knot. Matt has supported me through all of this. He has leaped out of bed in the middle of the night (leaped, not really, dragged himself out of bed) to tend to my needs. He has held me up for the last year literally. He has talked me through the anxiety and he has really lived up to the expectations of a relationship. Always standing by one another in sickness and in health. I am so blessed. My dad made an awesome speech that had people talking for days. I also got to do some dancing that night... not much... the dizziness and dancing doesn't really go hand in hand but I got to do some... something I love to do with people who I love to be with. There were many positives of the evening. Positive... there's a word that has slipped from my vocabulary... maybe one that I should write 100 times over and over on the blackboard as punishment for forgetting it.

I made it through the biggest challenge so far, yet I feel just the same

I have not written in some time. That is because I was involved in the craziness that is wedding planning. It is a whirlwind of activity, stress, and a "god I cannot wait until this is over" attitude. It was all a blurr really. I remember the day perfectly (it feels like I am remembering a movie I was watching) most of it was worrying about what I felt like. I did manage to have a good time in the end...really, I'm not lying. It was one of the most difficult days of my life but yet I got through it like a trooper. Although here I am feeling the same way. How could I work my way through a day where I was on display fighting with anxiety, panic, dizziness, weakness, and hunger infront of 100 people and I am still at a spot where I don't want to leave the house?
I am back to my normal schedule of seeing the therapist and acupuncturist every week. It is a release that is much needed.

I fight with hope. Hope wants to work its way in and I slam the door in hope's face. I want to scream, "Screw you Hope! You don't belong here!" but then I want to open the door, apologize, and never let it go again. I just can't seem to grasp it... It seems to slip through my hands every opportunity it gets. So, I just put in my Old Navy shopping cart tonight, a sweatshirt that reads hope down the sleeve. Maybe if I wear hope I will recognize that it needs to be a part of my life. Winter is coming and I'm thinking that this great sweatshirt will help me stay cozy and sane.

I really haven't had too much anxiety lately (comes and goes). Probably because I never leave the house except to go to work where I can sit in my cubicle all day and it is safe. This is probably why I am where I still am. Home, all the time. But what you have to understand is that to me, there is no reason to leave the house. The dizziness makes me so uncomfortable and makes life so unenjoyable that there doesn't seem to be any reason for me to leave. If I do leave I have to fight dizziness, anxiety, panic, and the feeling that I am on stage infront of the whole world. My boxing gloves just aren't that big. Plus, if I actually starting boxing anxiety in the street I'd probably be locked away. I often talk to myself as it is and that's probably very disturbing for most people. I have to tell it to knock it off... that I won't let it take over my life. That this dizziness won't take over my life. I tell it that but it doesn't listen to me. I feel like all of these feelings and thoughts I have are stronger than I am, yet most of these thoughts and feelings I create myself, except a select few. Yes, I am fighting myself.